♪ (old-school video game music) ♪ – (host) Today, you'll be
playing against each other in a game called "Who's Your Daddy?" (chuckling) (joining in) – What? – Is it sexual in nature? – (host) No.
– No? – I hope not.
– Not even a little bit? – Maybe you're beating each other up? Like, "(aggressively) Who's your daddy?" – Isn't it a baby trying to run away
and the dad has to go pick it up? – That's a PC game, right?
– (host) Yeah! – Yeah. – I don't know that game.
– I saw Dashie play it. – (host) For this game,
one of you guys plays as a baby trying to kill itself
with household items and the other will play as a dad
trying to keep the baby alive. – Oh, okay, that sounds fun.
– What the [bleep] is this shit? – Suicidal baby! – The baby that's– is the baby
just being a real baby 'cause most babies
are actually trying to kill themselves with all the stuff that they do. I have saved my children many a time.
– Then you have an advantage! – (host) To begin,
let's get one of you guys on the computer
on the other side of the room. – All right!
– All right. – This is bizarre.
– Let's do it. – I haven't parented yet.
– All my children are still alive, so I think I've got the advantage. – Let's do this.
– Yes! (laughing)
♪ (cheerful music) ♪ – Oh, we're going? Where's my baby?
This isn't a good start. What kind of father am I? – "Mom should be home by 4:00." – (gasps) I'm in a crib. – You're– what?
Where are you, little jerk? – First of all is to find
the fricking baby. Where is it?
– Are we started? (gasps) Oh. – This is totally like, uh,
mom's out of the house, dad's babysitting fail. – Are you in the kitchen? Oh gosh! – (whispering) Oh yeah!
– I need to watch out for you in here. – Okay, so I gotta find the baby now. – What would I do if I had a death wish? – Ah, I found you! – Oh, wait, are you're supposed to– no! – I don't know what
I'm supposed to do with you. – (chuckling)
– I'm gonna take this ball. – Oh-ho! Hey, that
is the creepiest looking baby! – (laughing) I can't see you!
– Oh no, look at this. Look at– look at you. I know you can't see you, but I see you. Oh, and you're quick. – Oh, there you are.
You're a giant, dude. – Yeah, dude, what the hell? You look like you just came–
you're not even like a baby. You're just like a fetus. – Oh, how did this door get open?
– Oh! (snickering) – Hey!
– Go, go. Go baby!
– Is there baby in here? – Go! Throw yourself off those stairs. – Go! He's not– he's jumping? Fall, fall, fall.
– Oh gosh. No, fall– fall on your neck.
Don't do that. Stop. – I'm just gonna follow the baby,
just to make sure you don't grab shit. – You're a creepy little baby. I can't believe I made you. – Can I pick you up? 'Ey! 'Ey!
– Oh! – You leave that alone!
– Can I put my fingers in the socket? – Stick my finger in there.
– (wheezy laughter) – Nothing's happening though. – Oh no!
– Dude, this baby's creepy. – What is this? – Crap, there's a fork there.
– How do I grab that? There we go. Is that a taser? Oh, maybe I can stick this
inside the light– I mean the socket. – Oh. My baby-proofing– oh my Lord! Uh, there's nothing over here. – I gotta get that away from him. – Oh yes!
– Oh, where is he going? Oh, crap. I'm throwing stuff.
(in game: gulping) – Whoa, there's liquids? All right. Empty soap, empty bleach.
Let's get some bleach. (snickering)
– Get that shit out of here. (in game: gulping) – I drank bleach!
– Oh, what?! You did not! – Oh no! He's turning green.
– Oh yeah! Go!
– No! – I'm sick as a dog.
(laughing) I'm green. – Do I have an antidote?
Do I have access to an antidote? Can I bring her to a hospital? – It's getting really slow.
– How do I get him better?! – No! Get– go, no.
– Okay, all right. Open this.
– I keep jumping instead of running. Ooh, what's under there? – Where you at, baby?
– Now I know what a baby thinks. Like, you're like,
"What's under there? What's that?" Like, "Ooh! That's interesting." – I totally know what I'm doing now. I'm feeding this baby some nice fruits.
– No. – Here you go! You're
gonna get healthy again. – I'm, like, green and purple.
– No, no, no, no, no! – I'm on an acid trip right now. – My baby is turning into Hulk. (laughs) – Can I just, like, hit my head? – You little punk. Get over here. – Like, I should still have
a soft spot, right? – (cracking up) – I'm not sick anymore 'cause of apples. Apparent, apples help bleach
and Windex, or window cleaner. – An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
– I'm going back. – No! No!
(in game: gulping) – I'm running into a dangerous room. Where's some stuff?
What can I get into? – Look, we need to have a talk.
– I need to find the toilet. – We need to have a talk.
– (chuckling) – You can't be going around
trying to kill yourself. – (giggling)
– You are very young. You have a lot to live for.
No, no, don't come up here. – (laughing) – I'm not sure what I did.
– Eat some fruit. – The flame, let's go back to the flame.
– It won't let me… – Can I–? Ah!
Wait, who won? Oh, I just died from poisoning.
– How the hell–?! I failed as a parent. – Where's the first aid kit?
There's gotta be a first aid kit. – Haaaaaaa!
– Aaaaaaah! – (laughing)
– Worst. Game. Ever! I just ran around, trying to kill a baby. – No. You're staying in there. No.
– No grounding. Oh!
– No! – (snickering) – Can I put–?
– Move, dad! – Let's see something.
– So rude. Let me live my life. – I'm gonna… – Oh!
– Oh, daddy wins! I'm a better dad than I thought I'd be. – (laughing) – Why can't I take it from you?
– What is that? – (gasps) Did I take it? (gasps)
– Oh, okay. – Ew, why do you jump like that?
– Oh, this is awesome. – Damn it! – The fact that this baby–
how did you– how did the daddy win? – Oh, this baby is amazing.
– Nope, gimme that. – Guess what's on the wall over there? – How do I grab–?
– (snickering) Oh yeah.
– No! How do I get it out of his hand? – You're boxing me out.
– No, stop! Stop, baby. – "Use baby key on power outlet." Yes! – I can't grab it. – How do I– is he in my way?
– Daddy wins, yes! Woo-hoo!
– How did he win?! I was, like, green and… (growling).
– Yes! I feel like a dad. I feel like I should just go grab a baby and then teach it all the ways
on how to keep it healthy. – (host) All right, we're gonna
let you play again, but this time you'll switch roles.
– Sweet. Man, I just feel like
a kid in a candy shop. There's just so many ways to do it. – Rematch! – Now I'm the dad. – Now I'm the baby.
– Oh crud. – How do I get out?
– Okay, where are you, baby? – Time to kill myself as a bab–
you know, this game is really [bleep] up. – "Mom should be home by 4:00." That's funny. – Now that I'm realizing what I'm saying. – I'm gonna go up to where
the baby should be. Oh, ha ha ha! – I'm going to head him off at the pass.
I gotta find the bedroom first. So that's locked. Oh, wait. Is he right–?
Come on, baby. Oh! Whoa, that is creepy! – Ooh, what's this? Something with an outlet,
so I figured it was good. Maybe I could electrocute myself with it.
– I found a lamp. – I grabbed some pills,
but how do I take them? – We're going outside.
– That's a good idea. Is that possible? – Ha! Psych! – Argh, my god, that is weird.
It's like something out of a horror movie. – I don't know what I'm doing.
– Oh my Lord! Turbo speed! – Oh, wait, baby! ♪ Nah nah nah nah nah neh neh ♪ I feel like I'm on Mission Impossible. ♪ (vocalizing Mission Impossible) ♪
– No! None of that. – ♪ Where's the bleach cleaning products? ♪ (in game: gulping)
♪ Drink, drink ♪ ♪ All, all of this, yeah ♪
– (laughing) Oh my god! No! No, baby! – Dad, I don't feel good.
– No! – Dad.
– No, no. – Dad, I don't feel good.
Stand there, dad. – Oh, I– see, I just up
and went to all these cleaners and that's not good.
– (snickering) – Oh, I guess I should pick them up
and put them somewhere else. – (groaning)
– I'm just trying to get away from the dad. Trying in a timely manner of some sort. (in game: gulping) – Okay, all right.
Okay, all right. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! (in game: munching)
(devious laughter) – Oh, you just ate a little paper. – Oops, look at me. I'm, like, put the can on floor from–
(in game: gulping) Oh, he's doing my strategy.
– Yeah, I got it. – Aw, son of a–
– (snickering) – Yeah, your health is depreciating. – I've got eyes on the baby. Oh no!
(in game: glass shatters) (laughter) That's broken glass!
– Shards! – How'd he get that?
– Let's go! – No!
– Baby rampage! – I'm dying.
– Are you? – (sniggering)
– What did you drink? Oh, you are dying. Go lock yourself in a closet.
– (wheezy laughter) – And think about what you've done! – Dad, what's happening? – Where are you, you little slippery… You're grounded. That's it. – Did he go in the kitchen?
There he is. What could it be in there?
– Okay. – What if I dropped the hammer
on the baby by accident? – Eat it all!
(in game: munching) – What is he eating?
– Mine! – No!
– What is this? What's in here?
– There's two doors on this?! I gotta grab an apple.
– I'm glowing! – What kind of– (growling) he's dying! – What's happening?!
– Come here, baby. – It's looking like he's dying.
– He's tripping. He's slowing succumbing to death. Fine, have it your way.
Here, fry if you want. – Yeah, just do it.
Just put me out of my misery, dad. – (laughing)
– 'Cause you failed as a parent. – I'm killing you!
– I'm already dead. – He's already dead.
I'm a bad parent, I know. – Hey, guess what? (revving up)
– No! (breathless laughing) I don't think babies
go that fast in real life. – He's like, "Let's play basketball, son." – Oh gosh.
– Come here, baby. – I am, like, on acid. – I've lost sight of the baby. – What–? Can I eat this? There we go.
– Grab the orange. "Can I eat this?"
It's never a good sign! – I'm just– you know
it's always a good day as a baby when you can drink paint.
– Oh no! Come on, baby. Come on, baby.
You need to– no! You need to eat the fruit, baby.
– Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho! That looks nice. Don't give me food!
– That's right. – Stop! – (fatherly voice) Son,
I'm here to take care of you. – (gasping)
(cabinet swings open) Oooh, hell yeah.
Drink– drank some soap. – You're gonna win.
Five percent left, you're good. Six, five…
(in game: munching) Two…
(in game: munching) And you're dead.
Baby wins. – (gasps and squeals) (laughing) – No! – Open the lid.
– No, baby! No, baby! – Hey!
– (sighing) – Can't you see that
I want somewhere to live? – No. – Oh, I'm dead. – I drank some chemicals
and now the world– ow, I just hit myself in the head. – Ew!
– (gasping) Good! – That's the first time
seeing this stupid baby. Like, come here!
– The world is so colorful now. – It's not like having a baby.
It's like having a dog 'cause it's fast. – How dare you, sir!
(both chuckle) – I won!
– How did you win? – I just, like, stepped on it. Time ran out, so default– by default. – This is nice. Go– hey, go ahead.
It's Stewie Griffin. Go– go ahead. (snickering)
(dryer shuts) – Oh shit!
– That's– (laughing). That's evil, man. Oh, he's singed! – (fatherly voice) That's not a good idea. Driving a car at your age
is never a good idea. Oh, come on. – (giggling) I'm suffocating myself.
– What?! No! (overlapping speech) Where is he?!
– Burning myself. I will die a valiant death.
– Where'd he go? – Die, baby, die!
– Is he in the cabinet? – Am I dead? Yes!!
– Gosh dang it. – Yes!
– What did he do? – (laughing) I killed myself with the car. I put it in gear and I just pressed the gas. (laughing) – It's the stupidest game I have ever seen. – This is not far from real life
if you don't know what you're doing. If you don't know what you're doing
and you're not baby-proofing, that's exactly what they will do. – I mean, it's a fun game,
but let's not practice it in real life. (laughing) But for games, it's great. – Thanks for watching this episode
of gaming on the React channel. – Thumbs up for excellent parenting! – Recommend a game for us
to play next in the comments. – Subscribe for more parenting tips. – Bye, guys. ♪ (old-school video game music) ♪